bitching and updating

so once again I am frustrated with the fact that i cannot conceive. It feels like everyone around me is pregnant and were able to get pregnant fast. Girls that I know got pregnant when we started trying are now pregnant again. Once again i get to watch my friends go through pregnancy and watch their kids grow while i still wait for my chance. Almost 3 years and nothing to show for it. It is so depressing for me to watch all this around me and have to fight back the tears in order to show that i really am happy for my friends because no matter how truly happy I am for them, the depression of not being able to feel what they do, overpowers that.

I know with these new plans that my husband and I have made that this is the last thing i should be worried about but I cant help it. I don't know what to do. I know people are going to tell me that im still young and to not worry. Please dont. I dont care what you THINK about my situation. I really dont. After 3 years of hearing the same shit over and over again, im finally tired of it.

All i want is to have a child of our own. I want to feel like im a mom. not a "seasonal" mom. I love my step kids more than anything in the world and nothing will ever change that but it truly breaks my heart not being able to see them. I miss them more and more everyday.

UPDATING- We are MOVING!!!! yep, thats right! Moving back to 29 palms for about a year. I will be moving in february to save up some money and then Eddie will join me out there in May. Our lives are really picking up and I am loving every minute of it. Once we move I am going to get the ball rolling on some big stuff that I cant really tell anyone about just yet but definitely stay tuned. We are heading to Arizona for the holidays which in really excited about. Im finally going to be able to see the kids again. Eddie is also going to take me to Tombstone finally since he has promised to take me for almost 2 years now =P This weekend we are also going to get eddie's tattoo finished FINALLY. I know he's been wanting it finished for god knows how long now. I really am happy that he is getting it finished. He deserves it and a lot more.

anyways, I think that is it for now unless i can think of anything else, which i cant so... I wanna say an early goodbye to all of the amazing friends I have made out here in wonderful Camp Pendleton and now that you special people will always be in my heart. You guys have changed my life in so many ways and I just dont know how I would have gotten through all the bad times without you all there. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank (in no particular order) Dee, Chiara, Desiree, Allie, Christy and everyone else who i forgot to mention for everyone you have done for me (sorry dont hate me!!! im in a hurry and this blog would be really long if i named everyone). bye for now =)

frustration...

Im so tired of waiting... and being told that it will happen in time. i understand i am being impatient but i have a right to be after 2 and a half years of trying to get pregnant dont you think? i am not going to lie... im EXTREMELY jealous of my friends that are pregnant though i truly am happy for them.

I have just been so discouraged lately especially after i got a FALSE positive


Eddie and i both thought this was for sure it! i tried really hard to not believe it but i let myself fall for it. Eddie was so excited and it broke my heart when we were told that we werent pregnant. I balled and i feel like i just gave up emotionally. i just have this overwhelming feeling in my gut that its just not going to happen for me. i keep telling myself that i just have to come to terms with it. i just dont understand why me. thats the million dollar question of course because i know im not the only one going through this but still... i never thought in a million years that it would be this hard to conceive at my age. I guess it doesnt help that i sit here and watch baby shows on tv and look at baby furniture and what not. I just want this so bad. I WANT to feel the nausea and all the aches of pregnancy (as crazy as that sounds). I want more than anything to feel a baby kick. I want to feel the pain of giving birth. I want to not have any sleep because of a baby. I want most of all to be a mother.

I just need to get that dream out of my head and just come to terms with the fact that its not going to happen for me. at least eddie already knows what its like to be a father. a great one at that. he is lucky.


im just so tired of it all. I give up


PLEASE DONT COMMENT TELLING ME HOW I HAVE TIME OR IM TOO YOUNG TO BE WORRYING ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. ITS REALLY ANNOYING =)

busy busy busy

good lord its been busy in the Leachet house with the kids around but i wouldnt have it any other way.

i have nothing to really say other than i love my husband so very much for everything

Father's Day

today is the day to celebrate having the two most amazing men in my life. I hate that i cant be with my dad but I will hopefully be able to see him this wednesday. I miss him so much its not even funny. My dad and I have had out bad times as any family does but we made it through and now we have a bond that no one could ever break its been almost 3 years since I moved out of my dads and not a day has gone by that we have called each other. We are connected in a way no one will ever understand. My father is one of, if not the strongest man i know. He is my hero. Can you tell im a daddy's girl? lol I love my father with all of my heart.




My husband, wow, what really is there to say about a father as wonderful and caring to his kids like him? He is a great father and his kids love him more than anything in the world. Everytime i catch him staring at them he has this sparkle in his eye. I never see him happier than when they are around. He would die to protect them and care for them. I know the kids are happy to be able to spend the summer with him. =0

hmmm...

im bored tonight so i thought maybe its a good time to write a blog. about what exactly? i dunno.

life has been pretty slow the past few days which i cant necessarily say is a bad thing. I started my externship for my Dog Obedience training although i am still waiting for my coordinator to find my mentor which is proving to be a bit hard for her with my schedule =( I am really excited though.

The kids are coming in about 2ish weeks and im stoked! i miss them so much but i am not looking forward to having them all day plus the girls i take care of so i really really hope they work with me and not against me. I do hope whenever i am exhausted that eddie sees that and gives me a little bit of a break although he is pretty good about it for the most part =P

I have come to the conclusion that i need cario exercise so starting tomorrow (i hope) i will start going to the gym and starting off slowly with it. I really havent done any cardio in, crap i dunno, almost 4 years? Fuck, its been awhile. I see a lot of friends doing the Couch to 5K program so i think i might give it a try. I will have to see how it goes because i HATE running and it physically hurts my body but i need to do something about this weight. Its just getting ridiculous. I need all the motivation in the world right now for it though.

I miss my father a lot. I know i havent seen him in 2 weeks but still. Im a daddy's girl and he is the only parent i have and we are basically attached at the hip. He really is the best father in the world. I just wish i could see him more often that i do but i know that it is partially my fault that i dont see him more in the first place. i will work harder to see him more. i promise!

My husband.... Oh Lord how i want to punch you just because...(i know you are probably reading my blog so why not write to you.) I are an asshole, there is no doubt about it but you have no idea how much i love you. you really need to quit talking so much shit to me though... it does get annoying and sometimes SOMETIMES i really REALLY want you to talk sweet to me because SOMETIMES thats exactly what i need but you sometimes dont get it.So here it is. get it now??? =P I do love you though and you mean the world to me. you are my best friend. remember that!

alright, i think i will end it there. until later blogworld. tootles!

just thinking..

so im looking through pictures of old friends and i start thinking... what happened to me? i used to be so fun, not a care in the world. I used to look like this...
I used to have confidence in myself.... i have come to the conclusion that i hate who i have become now.

I cannot for the life of me, make up my mind. I love being a stay at home wife and i would LOVE being a stay at home mommy (if that day ever comes). but when i look at pictures of my friends and i see that they joined the military and are having so much fun, i cant help but be jealous of them, thinking to myself.. that was going to be my life.

I by no means regret anything in my life now other than what i have become (a lazy fat waste of space). I love my husband and i love our life together but that dream of being a marine still haunts me. why???? why cant i just be over it? i love my life now and my feelings arent the same as they were when i was in high school... but there still is that flicker of the dream i used to have. to be one of the few and the proud. a lady leatherneck. a marine.

i just dont understand why i cannot just choose one thing and stick with it. Eddie and i have talked about me joining and he is all for it cause he knows it was my dream but when i say YEAH ill join, i then feel like i am throwing away the life that i have with my husband as it is. Like, i know he will always be there but I have 2 dreams and i cannot do both. its one or the other. its either be a wife and a mommy and be there to raise them or be a marine. grrrrrrr

I have gone back and forth so many times and i know its irritating eddie to know end. I have always been indecisive though (another one of my MANY faults). Im so tired of being this way. I know eddie wants me to be happy no matter what my choice is. He just doesnt want me to regret not joining or vice versa.

I, no matter what, will stick with the decision i have made which is to stay and try to conceive. I just hope i can blow out the little flicker that is left...

anyway i had to vent =) night night

my parenting views

Now, i am not by any means judging anyone's parenting skills at all and i also know that some people will read this and think, "wtf she isnt even a mom what the hell does she know about parenting." I dont blame you for thinking that but just because im not a parent doesnt mean i dont have a view on the type of parenting i will have. this has to do with the teenage years of a kids life.

I was watching World's Strictest Parents and i felt the need to blog about this. I totally understand where parents are sooo afraid of their kids drinking, doing drugs and/or smoking.. though i would NEVER let my child smoke or do drugs... (eddie and i have talked about this) we know kids will experiment. this being said... from my personal experience being super strict and not letting your children do anything will only make them rebel more (i know i did). Eddie and i feel that no matter how much we try and shield them that temptations and such will always arise. we both are hell bent on our kids having a good education. SCHOOL FIRST. I was super lazy in school and i was never pushed to succeed in school so i never felt like i needed to get more than C's in school (sometimes not even that much!). I almost didnt graduate High School. til this day my procrastination still comes to bite me in the ass. Eddie on the other hand is SUPER smart and always got A's in school AND graduated 2 years early! I do not want my kids to have to stress about not graduating. I want them to experience the college life (its something i wish i had experienced).

Anyway, School will always be first and with that means that if they keep their grades up that they can get whatever they want.

We also decided that if our kids want to drink (cause you know they will at some point) that they will do it under our roof with our supervision (mostly because we can monitor them)... now this does not mean we will supply other kids with alcohol because we wont. they are not our kids and we will not be responsible if something happened to them. we also know that kids want to go to parties. we also know that most if not all of the parties will have some form of alcohol there. If that be the case, if they decide to drink they can call us and we will go pick them up no questions asked. we want to avoid drinking and driving at all costs.

eddie and i are very adamant on having our kids trust us with anything.

i know there is a lot more to this blog but im losing my concentration very rapidly so i will continue this blog at a later date when i can remember everything

SORRY IF THIS IS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND DOESNT MAKE SENSE =P

Anniversary Weekend Getaway

so Eddie surprised me this weekend with a little getaway to SD for our belated anniversary =) let me tell you it was AMAZING. we stayed in the same hotel that we were in when we got married. it was wonderful! he had sparkling wine and chocolate covered strawberries as well as other fruit waiting for us. we took a bath and relaxed a bit before dinner. once it was around time for our dinner reservation, we decided to catch a cab to Mister A's (a four star restaurant) OMFG this place was gorgeous!!! it was at the top of a 12 story building in downtown SD... the view from this place was spectacular. the bay from one side and the city from the other. we had to dress business casual of course and it was funny cause i kept getting stares cause of my tattoos but hey it provided the entertainment for the night lol OMG this place was expensive but eddie was adamant on me choosing whatever it was that i wanted to eat. we ate some Caesar Salad and then our main course which was a Tenderloin... let me tell you, it was the best steak i have ever had!!! nothing will ever compare. well as we were eating dinner the sun was setting just right although i was having such a good time sitting there with eddie that i didnt want to get up to take a picture. it was just a perfect moment. finally it was time for desert.

the waiter brought this to us =) with little cookies and what not and of course eddie ordered his chocolate mousse and i got the house ice cream =P it was a great end to a wonderful night. after we got back to the hotel we just watched some TV together and went to "sleep" lol it was the most perfect evening to me.

Arizona's New Law

Ok, I totally get where a lot of people are offended by this new law.It is a bit much but to boycott the state? wtf is that going to do? its going to affect citizens whose sole income is based on the tourism. These people probably (more than likely) had NOTHING to do with the fact that this law was actually passed. I understand that this law crossed the line. I believe something should be done about illegal immigrants but this law is too much. But why boycott the tourism industry of AZ? I mean really? what is it going to get you? A lot of people don't get that the PEOPLE if Arizona didn't get to vote on this law. So all you are doing is punishing hard working AMERICANS because of something they had absolutely no control over. Does that seem right to you? I just don't get the logic nowadays...


btw i don't see anyone getting offended but if you do... sorry? or better yet don't read it? either way idc =)

Good Morning

Well i guess i should start a blog since i have nothing better to do =)

My life lately has been hectic but its getting better! the husband and have started "trying" again (i know, i know what some of you might think but this is MY life so opinions are not needed =]) we are seeing how it goes but my doctor seems to think i might have Cushing's Syndrome... although i have come to the conclusion that she is an idiot so im going to get a second opinion.

We were told by my husband's monitor that we are going to be moving to 29 palms for at least 9 months although the date of when we are actually supposed to move has not been said yet. I am excited to move and just want to get it over with but at the same time i am going to miss my friends here =( oh the joys of the Marine Corps life

i cant think of anything else going on at the moment mostly because i have been up since last night because i decided i wanted to watch ghost hunting shows with the hubbs and i knew that i wouldnt be able to sleep... so here i am tired and not thinking straight lol