just thinking..

so im looking through pictures of old friends and i start thinking... what happened to me? i used to be so fun, not a care in the world. I used to look like this...
I used to have confidence in myself.... i have come to the conclusion that i hate who i have become now.

I cannot for the life of me, make up my mind. I love being a stay at home wife and i would LOVE being a stay at home mommy (if that day ever comes). but when i look at pictures of my friends and i see that they joined the military and are having so much fun, i cant help but be jealous of them, thinking to myself.. that was going to be my life.

I by no means regret anything in my life now other than what i have become (a lazy fat waste of space). I love my husband and i love our life together but that dream of being a marine still haunts me. why???? why cant i just be over it? i love my life now and my feelings arent the same as they were when i was in high school... but there still is that flicker of the dream i used to have. to be one of the few and the proud. a lady leatherneck. a marine.

i just dont understand why i cannot just choose one thing and stick with it. Eddie and i have talked about me joining and he is all for it cause he knows it was my dream but when i say YEAH ill join, i then feel like i am throwing away the life that i have with my husband as it is. Like, i know he will always be there but I have 2 dreams and i cannot do both. its one or the other. its either be a wife and a mommy and be there to raise them or be a marine. grrrrrrr

I have gone back and forth so many times and i know its irritating eddie to know end. I have always been indecisive though (another one of my MANY faults). Im so tired of being this way. I know eddie wants me to be happy no matter what my choice is. He just doesnt want me to regret not joining or vice versa.

I, no matter what, will stick with the decision i have made which is to stay and try to conceive. I just hope i can blow out the little flicker that is left...

anyway i had to vent =) night night