bitching and updating

so once again I am frustrated with the fact that i cannot conceive. It feels like everyone around me is pregnant and were able to get pregnant fast. Girls that I know got pregnant when we started trying are now pregnant again. Once again i get to watch my friends go through pregnancy and watch their kids grow while i still wait for my chance. Almost 3 years and nothing to show for it. It is so depressing for me to watch all this around me and have to fight back the tears in order to show that i really am happy for my friends because no matter how truly happy I am for them, the depression of not being able to feel what they do, overpowers that.

I know with these new plans that my husband and I have made that this is the last thing i should be worried about but I cant help it. I don't know what to do. I know people are going to tell me that im still young and to not worry. Please dont. I dont care what you THINK about my situation. I really dont. After 3 years of hearing the same shit over and over again, im finally tired of it.

All i want is to have a child of our own. I want to feel like im a mom. not a "seasonal" mom. I love my step kids more than anything in the world and nothing will ever change that but it truly breaks my heart not being able to see them. I miss them more and more everyday.

UPDATING- We are MOVING!!!! yep, thats right! Moving back to 29 palms for about a year. I will be moving in february to save up some money and then Eddie will join me out there in May. Our lives are really picking up and I am loving every minute of it. Once we move I am going to get the ball rolling on some big stuff that I cant really tell anyone about just yet but definitely stay tuned. We are heading to Arizona for the holidays which in really excited about. Im finally going to be able to see the kids again. Eddie is also going to take me to Tombstone finally since he has promised to take me for almost 2 years now =P This weekend we are also going to get eddie's tattoo finished FINALLY. I know he's been wanting it finished for god knows how long now. I really am happy that he is getting it finished. He deserves it and a lot more.

anyways, I think that is it for now unless i can think of anything else, which i cant so... I wanna say an early goodbye to all of the amazing friends I have made out here in wonderful Camp Pendleton and now that you special people will always be in my heart. You guys have changed my life in so many ways and I just dont know how I would have gotten through all the bad times without you all there. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank (in no particular order) Dee, Chiara, Desiree, Allie, Christy and everyone else who i forgot to mention for everyone you have done for me (sorry dont hate me!!! im in a hurry and this blog would be really long if i named everyone). bye for now =)